Child-Free Flights? Genious!!

// July 20th, 2011 // humor, me, Trips

I recently read that Ryanair was going to offer “child-free” flights starting October 2011. Now I don’t really hate kids, I just don’t like them crying for hours on a flight I’m on. This reminds me of a story that happened about a year ago.

I was taking a trip from Montreal to London, and the plane was set to depart at 8pm. I had so much to do the night before so I didn’t get enough sleep. I thought that I might be able to kill some time on the trip by sleeping. So I grabbed my travel pillow and headed to the airport.

I’m not a big fan of airplane food, so I ate a whopper from Burger King before going through the security check. There was not a baby in sight, and I was sooo sure my flight would be child-free. By the time I got in line for the security check, I was full, I finished praying, and couldn’t wait to put my head on my pillow with hopes of sleeping most of the trip. While in line I saw this guy from Pakistan with a child in his arms and another in a stroller. I couldn’t imagine how hard it can be to travel with 2 kids and all that luggage. I think one of them was crying or something, all I know is that I felt bad for the guy and whoever was going to be on the same flight with him and his kids.

I got me a decafe to enjoy while waiting for the gate to open. While I was checking my email and browsing the web on my Blackberry I saw the guy with the two kids sit near my gate! Of all the flights that night, why mine? Seriously! The only kids in the airport were on my flight! So I sat there wishing they’d at least be in a different cabin. I usually get on the plane after everyone boards because I’d rather wait in the airport than on a tiny seat in a crowded plane (Plus the duration of the flight is technically shorter if you board towards the end).

I show the flight attendant my boarding pass and she guides me to my seat. Guess who is right next to me? The guy with the two kids, and boy were they crying! Why would anyone cry that hard? I turned to the flight attendant and begged for another seat or another flight, but she told me that I had no choice the flight was fully booked. I sat down and hoped they would get tiered of crying and sleep. Boy was I wrong, those devils had different plans. When one would cry, the other would take a break to fuel up on crying power. Don’t they have shots to make them sleep or something? The plane took off and the pressure kicked in, and that’s when they both went berserk. There was a moment where I thought those kids might have been kidnapped and the crying was their way of asking us to save them.

I sunk my head into my pillow and tried to go to sleep wishing for at least an hour of silence, but those kids knew of my plans and wanted me to suffer. There were moments in between shifts when one would cool down, and it would take the other about 2 or 3 minutes to pick up where his brother left off. During those moments I would doze off, and right when I would fall asleep the other one would cry like crazy. I didn’t know what to do, and there was nothing for me to do but look at them and hope those kids would look at me and have mercy on me and the other passengers on that flight.

About 3 hours into the flight the kids went to sleep and I got about 30 minutes of sleep during that time. I would wake to the sounds of mommy and daddy giggling over the alone time they’re enjoying before the kids wake up and ruin it for them. During those moments I questioned why people even have kids and whether they were worth all that trouble. I woke up to the sound of a ball being sucked in by a mega vacuum. I opened my eyes only to find the baby being kissed by the father. It wasn’t a normal kiss, it looked like a Zombie trying to suck the poor baby’s brains out. Even the baby had a look on his face that said “Pleeeease save me!”. The father continued to kiss the baby until it started crying all over again. This time it was because the baby was hungry, and the mother was trying to get the flight attendants to get her hot water. The crying went on and off till we got to London. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to get off a plane in my life! Thanks to those kids the first day of my break in London was spent in my hotel room sleeping.

The moral of the story is that “child-free” flights are a great idea!!

* The photos above were taken by Jill Greenberg. She is known for taking amazing photos of crying babies. She officially has the worst job in the world!

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